How to deal with difficult conversations?
By applying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Resolution Model.
Leadership is often defined by navigating challenging conversations with grace and empathy. In today's complex workplaces, where different perspectives and high-stakes interactions are everyday issues, mastering effective communication isn't just a skill—it's a critical strategic advantage. This article explores two powerful frameworks that can transform how we approach difficult dialogues: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Resolution Model.
At the heart of these approaches lies a fundamental truth: conflict is not inherently harmful but a natural part of human interaction that, when handled carefully, can lead to personal growth and stronger relationships.
By understanding and implementing these communication strategies, leaders can create environments where differing viewpoints are not a problem but opportunities for collaborative problem-solving and mutual understanding.
So, let’s dive in.
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As a leader, facing difficult conversations is inevitable. And if you wait longer, those conversations get more complicated. Instead, we want to step into them quickly and confidently. This is one of the marks of a great leader.
One way we can achieve this is through Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is a communication and conflict-resolution process developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. It aims to help people communicate with greater compassion and clarity. We use it to achieve healthy relationships by focusing on compassionate communication and active listening.
The three pillars of non-violent communication
It focuses on three aspects of communication:
🤗 Self-empathy is the foundation of compassionate communication. It involves developing a deep, nonjudgmental awareness of one's inner experiences, emotions, and needs. By understanding oneself, one becomes better equipped to understand others.
🫂 Empathy. More than just listening, true empathy means hearing the emotions and underlying needs behind another person's words. It's about creating a safe space where others feel truly heard and understood.
🗣️ Honest self-expression. This principle encourages authentic communication from a place of vulnerability and compassion. It's about expressing your needs and feelings in a way that invites understanding rather than defensiveness.
The four-step NVC framework
NVC is built upon the following key components:
👀 Observation. The first step in NVC is to observe what is happening in a situation without assigning judgment. For instance, rather than saying, “You’re always late,” you might say, “I noticed that you arrived after the scheduled start time."
❤️ Feelings. After making an observation, the next step in NVC is to express how you feel about what you have observed. This could be any number of emotions, such as feeling happy, sad, angry, frustrated, or worried. For example, “I feel worried when you arrive late.” Here, it is essential to identify our emotional experience and not react.
🤲 Needs. Next, you express what you need or value that is causing your feelings. These needs are not specific actions or behaviors of others but deep, universal human needs. For example, “I need reassurance that our meetings will start on time because it helps me to plan the rest of my day.”
Needs and feelings we have (Credit: The Center for Nonviolent Communication) 🙏 Request (not demands). The final step in NVC is making a clear and specific request. The request should not demand a particular action but clearly express what you want the other person to do differently. For instance, “Could you please make an effort to arrive on time, or let me know if you’re going to be late?"
As a leader, you can use the non-violent Communication framework to resolve conflict, provide performance feedback, and make decisions. Practicing mindful communication, such as nonviolent communication, in all aspects of your life can significantly impact how you present yourself while learning to understand the world and its people.
It positively impacts everyone: the more individuals learn to communicate without response, the more empathy society has for one another, the more positive relationships grow, and the less conflict there is.
One book that can help you with tough conversations with people is Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson et al. It can help you in situations where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions are strong.
And another one, called Nonviolent communication from the author Marshall Rosenberg to learn more about the approach.
How to handle conflicts at work?
We all experienced some kinds of conflicts at work. Different backgrounds, opinions, and work styles led to disagreements. While disputes are perceived negatively, they can be catalysts for growth, innovation, and strengthened relationships, provided they are managed effectively. Understanding conflict dynamics and navigating through them is crucial for any successful team.
Types of workplace conflicts
Conflicts can be categorized into two main types:
⚡ Task-oriented conflicts arise from differences in work methods, priorities, or expectations.
💔 Relationship-oriented conflicts. These conflicts stem from personal issues, communication breakdowns, or clashes in values.
The Thomas Kilmann conflict resolution model
Effective conflict management requires understanding different approaches to resolving disagreements. The Thomas Kilmann Model provides insight into conflict situations and how to work through them. It offers a framework for understanding and resolving conflicts effectively.
The model identifies conflict-handling modes based on two different approaches to conflict management:
💪 Assertiveness. The degree to which a person seeks to meet their needs or concerns (there is only my way).
🤝 Cooperativeness. The degree to which a person seeks to meet the needs or concerns of the other party (we will do it together).
Five conflict-handling modes
The model categorizes conflict-handling behaviors into five distinct modes, each representing different levels of assertiveness and cooperativeness:
⚔️ Competing (Highly Assertive, Uncooperative). When time is critical or unpopular actions are necessary, this approach prioritizes your interests. It's about standing your ground and helping make urgent decisions or take unpopular actions.
🤝 Collaborating (Assertive and Cooperative). This is a win-win approach. You work together to find solutions that fully satisfy everyone's concerns. For instance, when facing a complex project challenge, the team brainstorms to create an innovative solution that addresses all stakeholders' needs.
⚖️ Compromising (Moderate Assertiveness and Cooperativeness). This mode is the middle ground, balancing assertiveness and cooperativeness. It aims for solutions that offer partial satisfaction to all involved.
🚶♂️ Avoiding (Uncooperative and Unassertive). You sidestep the conflict, useful when the issue is trivial or more information is needed.
😊 Accommodating (Unassertive but Cooperative). You put the other's needs before yours, which is useful when you're wrong or to build social credits for future conflicts.
Applying the model in practice
Here is how we can use the model:
➡️ Assess the situation: Notice when there's a disagreement. Look at the context, stakes involved, and the relationships at play. Is the conflict short-term, or does it have long-term implications?
➡️ Identify conflict styles: Recognize your natural conflict resolution style and those of your colleagues. Understanding these preferences helps in choosing the most appropriate approach.
➡️ Select the appropriate style: Choose a conflict-handling mode that best suits the situation. Consider factors like the importance of the issue and the relationship involved. For example, assertiveness may be a good choice when we need a quick decision.
➡️ Implement and evaluate: After selecting a style, implement it and later evaluate its effectiveness. Was the conflict resolved effectively? What could have been done differently?
Conflict is inevitable, but how we manage it is a choice. With the right approach, disagreements can become powerful tools for innovation, personal development, and team cohesion.
Bonus: Tech Lead Journal
I was honored to be a guest on Tech Lead Journal episode 193. We discussed how to become great software engineers. Let me know if you like it.
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Hadn't heard of this model before, but it's very helpful in understanding the problem better before you have to work out what to do about it!!
Thanks a lot for sharing this framework Milan! it comes with clear action items I can try.
I will listen to the episode from Henry's Podcast, I'm pretty sure it will be very insightful!